Look to the Future

I've been feeling panicky about the lack of horse sales here. It makes it worse that I know it's the same for everyone trying to sell horses right now, because that means it's not something wrong with my approach, something I can change. With the droughts and hay shortages across the country, the horse market has simply evaporated.

We took a risk, investing as much as we did in the horses. Clearly, that wasn't the wisest time to do that. Clearly, the majority of the horses need to go, if I'm going to get this farm back on track.

I never intended for the farm to be such a huge financial strain. Ken has a good job, and makes a decent living. Or would, if this farm wasn't hemorrhaging money so fast.

I want the farm to pay for itself, to pay me a little bit extra beyond costs, a little extra money that I can use to keep improving the place, bringing the house and grounds back to life from their generations of neglect. But instead, we can't even afford to keep up with the improvements we've made so far.

I need to look to the future, to how I want this farm to be. I don't want it to be so imbalanced, with the horse operation taking over everything. I want the sheep to get their fair share of the pastures. I want to get chickens, to raise our own eggs and meat birds. Maybe raise a small garden again, or grow some fruit trees. I want to live more directly from the fruits of my labor, rather than being a slave to a fickle market I can't control.

I want to be able to go whole days or even months without that sick feeling of worry about how we're going to pay for the next truckload of hay. It's not healthy for me to live this way all the time, and it's not fair to Ken. He works hard at his job, he should be able to relax and feel proud of a job well done, not have to face a mountain of farm bills that aren't bringing in any profit.

I have to find a way to make these horses sell. That's all there is to it.