This whole insomnia thing is getting out of control. Last night I went to bed at 11:00 p.m., didn't fall asleep until after 4:00 a.m., and woke up again at 8:00 a.m. That's been happening a lot lately. Four hours of sleep a night is not enough for me, but a lot of nights, that's the best I can do.
The trouble is the wheels of my brain go into overdrive as soon as I try to go to sleep. I'll lie on the couch watching a video and find myself getting sleepy, so I'll head up to bed. I've never been one to just drop right off the instant my head touches the pillow, so I'll crack a book and read for half an hour or so, until I can't keep my eyes open any more.
I'll put away the book, turn off the light, and roll over to sleep. But at that moment, my busy, busy brain, freed at last from the distraction of work and videos and books, starts whirring faster and faster.
What can I do to earn more money? How are we going to pay our bills? How can I sell these horses faster? I didn't get as much accomplished on the computer today as I'd hoped. I forgot to make that phone call again. When will so-and-so finally respond to my emails? Is it raining outside? We didn't finish Senter's shelter yet. I hope he's not getting cold and wet. Are the hay people going to deliver more hay tomorrow?
My busy, busy brain goes on like this, literally for hours without slowing down. Sometimes I turn the light back on and read some more in my book, which lulls me into being sleepy once more, but as soon as I stop and turn out the light, my worrying starts up again.
It's not totally without merit. For instance, I was able to figure out some decisions I needed to make regarding the horses. But what gets me is the waste of time and energy. Every night, I'm too sleepy to keep actually working and getting anything useful done, but too wound up to get any actual rest. Then, with only four hours of sleep a night, I'm not worth much during the day either.
Ultimately, of course, the solution for this problem is the same as the solution for the majority of our other problems. I need to sell the horses. If I can reduce the herd enough, our money problems will subside and I won't have to worry as much.
Easier said than done, of course.
Try taking a Tylenol PM. Or the store brand version of it. It is the only thing that helps me many nights.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I know what you are going through. I am looking to heading back to work a year before I wanted to because things are just not working out the way they were supposed to here.
I've SO been there before. Reading your blog reminds me of the first year of Kaia's life when I went back to working part-time.
ReplyDeleteAnd oddly enough, I think I handled it how you are handling it...trying to find the good stuff about the situation. With us, money was definitely tight, but I had a new life to take care of which was challenging, but very rewarding - you have SEVERAL lives to take care of, and that has it's own wonderful rewards.